Blue Devil Blog

Posted by Chase Kaufman on May 1, 2019

The Sloppy Joe: Baby Laughs at Parents for Spending Ridiculous Amount of Money on Outfit She’ll Only Wear Once

The camera flashed and the baby cackled.

Little Sophia knows she provides her parents with nothing but love and laughs, but she also knows she contributes nothing but distress and despair for their bank account.

The baby girl added the greenbacks spent in clothing up in her head as Todd and Karen dressed her for the day’s photoshoot.

Sophia spoke on how the majority of financial decisions fall upon her parents.

“They don’t get it. I try telling them every time they buy this crap at Target. ‘Are you sure you want to spend $28 on that? I promise I’ll grow out of it in a week!’ They just don’t listen. It’s the same thing with the fake set of keys they bought for me. I know they’re fake. I’m not an idiot.”

Sophia went on.

“They think I’m smiling and laughing because they make stupid faces in the background while jingling their wallet and keys. I’m just laughing because I see no money in the wallet. Idiots.”

Karen on the other hand, stands her ground on the clothing choices.

“Target has a two for $40 deal this weekend on onesies! You bet we’ll be there! We might even get four!”

The family decided to head to Target later today to continue the sad

streak of clothing selection.

Posted by Chase Kaufman on April 24, 2019

The Sloppy Joe: Oakland Raiders and Jon Gruden Acquire Yet Another 2019 1st Round Draft Pick in Exchange for Half of the Starting Defense, Every QB on the Roster, A Hot Dog Vendor, Three Chicken Quesadillas, and a 6th Round Pick

The Raiders new general manager, Mike Mayock and head coach Jon Gruden, continue to turn heads and open eyes as they once again attained a first-round pick from the Pittsburgh Steelers for the 2019 NFL Draft. This move now gives them four first-rounders before the upcoming season.

Jon Gruden talked about the most important piece of the recent trade, and spoke about how Pittsburgh should plan to use him.

“The kid can do it all, man. You name a condiment, he’s got it. Ketchup, mustard, relish, mayo, all of the above. This kid–he’s pretty good. He should definitely be serving one of the sections in the lower bowl. The Steelers got quite the guy.”

Gruden, when asked about what he could possibly do with his first of
four first rounders, had some interesting plans.

“Well, I really like the kid out of Kentucky, I think we could easily get a first round pick out of him after this season. That’s the goal, we draft a bunch of good players this year, and hope we can get some more first rounders out of them. It’s the perfect plan.”

Owner, Mark Davis, gave his input regarding the team’s intentions.

“If all things line up right, and I believe they will, we should have all 32 first round draft picks by the year 2057.”

The NFL Draft begins Thursday night at 8:00 PM ET on ESPN.

Word has now come in that the Raiders also just traded two running backs, three tight ends, and their mascot, Raider Rusher, for yet another first round pick.

Posted by Chase Kaufman on April 17, 2019

The Sloppy Joe: Easter Bunny Retires from Easter, Begins Training/Hopping for 110 Meter Hurdles

“No more eggs. I’m done hiding. It’s time I finally started thinking about myself.”

Kids will be awfully disappointed this upcoming Easter when they realize nobody can hide the eggs this year. After more than 300 years the Easter Bunny is finally calling it quits. Not only will kids miss out on egg hiding, but baskets have departed as well. The not-so-friendly rabbit was asked what ultimately solidified the decision to end the tradition.

“Those little snot-nosed brats never can have enough can they? Every single year, I get compared to the fat man in the red suit. Every year it’s ‘Waaaahhh, I only got a video game, two chocolate bars and some gum.’ Well, sorry I can’t afford to give you a bike every winter like the old dude who gets stuck in the chimney can.”

The mammal was obviously distraught.

“I only make 45k a year without benefits, I can’t do much. And the jerk parents don’t even leave me out cookies, it’s always carrots and celery. Shouldn’t I get the chance to let myself go a little?”

Training is set to begin on Sunday, the same day eggs would have filled houses for kids to kill fifteen minutes before picking the smartphones back up for the rest of the day.

Bookmakers have already given the hare 3/1 odds for the 110 meter hurdle at the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo.

Posted by Genna Skalski on April 11, 2019

A College Student’s Side Hustle

As you are well aware, tuition is unfortunately very expensive. We all try our best to save money. Like the busy college students we are we want to get major cash fast. What most don’t realize is that we have a gold mine right under our feet!

Loose Change

Typically we leave change on the ground because it’s not “worth our time” to pick up. However, when you’re making $9.50 an hour at a job you can only work on weekends you should take the two seconds to bend down and pick up those nickels and dimes. Today I’m going to share with you four great places to find some major coinage.

1. Vending Machines

Many people will leave unwanted change in the slots of soda and snack machines. Don’t be shy to get on your hands and knees and check under the machines as well. Don’t worry about who’s watching because hey, after all, you are a broke college student.

2. Parking Lots

While you’re standing in the parking lot trying to get hit by a car to pay your tuition, take a break every now and again to look down at the ground around you. Change can fall out of pockets when people leave their cars.

3. Washing Machines

When you go to wash clothes (hopefully often) check your machine to see if any spare change is stuck under the cap. In public laundry rooms it’s easy to check!

4. Your Car

I know from personal experience that when you don’t clean your car for a while a lot of things start to pile up. Make your leisure time productive and clean your car. I once found $15 in change!

Remember that the little things always add up!

Posted by Chase Kaufman on April 10, 2019

The Sloppy Joe: 2019 Masters Committee Votes to Increase Course Difficulty, Hires Zion Williamson to Block Shots Throughout Back 9

In a recent attempt to give the most prestigious golf tournament in history an extra obstacle, the board members in Augusta, Georgia have unanimously voted to bring one of the most feared shot blockers in the NCAA on board.

This position, also known as the “Course Obstruction Associate,” was made especially for the NCAA All-American. Starting Thursday, his job will switch from swatting layups on the court to knocking down chips and flops on the green.

Fred Ridley, chairman of the Augusta National Golf Club spoke about what fans can expect to see from the Duke Forward these next four days.

“What we’ve asked Zion to do is level out the playing field. When someone is leading or nearly leading the tournament, we’d like him to target that golfer. We are keeping him on the back nine holes and primarily stay within holes 11, 12, and 13. We plan on bringing a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘Amen Corner.’

Instead of entering the NBA draft as expected, Williamson now plans on maintaining his employment with the Masters. The basketball star now turned golf blocker is projected to earn a salary of $24,000 a year along with any golf balls he finds in the 361 days that the masters isn’t operating.

“I’d like to thank my family, for helping me these past 18 years to get to this point. This has been my dream ever since I was a little kid and it’s finally come true. This is the best decision the Masters has ever made. They won’t regret it.”

Tears fell out of his eyes as he realized that all the work he had put in had finally come to fruition.